( FLASH FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY, BEN )

[jasmine riley lee]

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I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
_________________________________________________

Jazzy slipped out of her covers of the hotel room and yawned as she shivered from the cold air of the morning. last night they had arrived for the tour, the frist location of the whole entire festival. they were still setting up the tour buses so everyone was allowed to sleep at the hotel all fees are paid for by the found of rumored nights. Jazzy was so hyped up to sleep in a sanitary place. being on a bus for more than twenty-four hours does that to you. Jasmine ran her fingers thorugh her hair and attempted to stretch out as she lifted herself from the egyption cotton. luxury always got to her. but back to the bus thing.. and traveling.. being on a bus with bipolar people not to mention would make someone homesick, or ready for a break already, and she needed it. truly.

so she woke up with chipper spirits that morning, ready to see where the day took her. being in a good mood and all like she was called for extra attention this morning, after a while she decided to take a shower before she ventured out of her room. she smiled as she walked into the excessive bathroom and started the water to the see-through shower. she then went searching for some presentable clothes to wear this morning and flashy jewelry. when that was done she placed it on the counter and stripped to get into the shower. she stayed in there for at elast twenty minutes letting the warm water soak her pores, she needed it. no she wasn't dirty.. it was just that it was relaxing and it made her feel fresh and renewed for the day.

Jazzy stepped out of the shower, dried her hair quickly, and put her clothes on, black skinny jeans, a black and gold tank top and a black knitted hat, that fit her head nicely. she smiled in the mirror at her perfectly straightened hair, she had gotten it cut before they left for the festival and she was excited to show it off, except the fact that they had been trapped in a bus for two days straight.. so who was there to show it to beside her bandmates? regardless, she was ready to show the world. she cleaned up her mess and put everything dirty in her dirty clothes bag and grabbed her room key and quietly walked out the door. it was earlier than she expected it to be, Jazz was never a late sleeper. so she finally decided to go to breakfast, why not? everyone needed their morning nutrition right?

she smiled at herself as she rode the elevator down to the fourth floor and down to the breakfast lobby. it smelled wonderful and now as she was faced with food, she was quite hungry. Jasmine made her way to the line and eventually got herself a pancake and a box of cereal. Jasmine made her way to a table for two, but seeing as she was by herself it was a good idea. as soon as she sat down she began stuffing her face, then it occurred ot her that she hadn't eaten since yesterday at breakfast, she had been sleeping the whole day yesterday.. maybe that was why she got up so early today, it would explain why she was so hungry this morning. she wanted to laugh at herself, at how stupid she might look. but it didn't matter. no one knew her here. well.. not really, it was too early for them to do the math. maybe by tomorrow they would know who she was...

Jasmine finished her breakfast and decided to watch the people come in for a little while, she loved to relax, and maybe she would find someone she knew while she was at it, there really wasn't any harm being done, and it's not like she had something planned in the first place.. today was a day dedicated to hcilling and talking with the other band members. that would definitely be fun. Jazzy made her way to the couch and set her feet up on the coffee table, hopefully she wouldn't get fussed at because of it, but if she did, she wouldn't care. grabbing a magazine from the table she sighed and settled herself in the main lobby of the hotel, feeling like a bum with nothing to do. oh well, there were too many palces to go to be bored the first day, it wouldn't matter.

NOTES <3 jazz and nate
WORDS 891
TAGGED NATE
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

SOMETIMES, THERE WAS THE SLIGHT CHANCE that benjamin would rise from his slumber at some early time. today just happened to be one of those days. after having only gotten less than what he was supposed to get hours of sleep, a pounding head woke up mister nelkin. a groan slipped through his lips. all those good feelings from the night before were now missing. gone off far away to a distant land before he picked up a bottle again and drank away everything. this though was always played off as more of a social thing more than a time to get drunk. a time to wish that things were different. a time to down all his problems away with the slow burning liquor.

he would never admit he had a problem, but he didn't admit much to begin with.

at this hour, which probably wasn't all that early, ben had never been the one who got up at any time before one in the afternoon. sometimes two. and as much as he would have liked to continue sleeping away the day, his head was telling him other things. for example, "dipshit, you have a headache. get a drink and aspirin before you try anything." and... naturally, he got up but a bit too quickly and only caused to make his head hurt worse. maybe today wouldn't be a good day. maybe he should keep up his little diva fit and stay in the hotel room all day. it wouldn't have been a first. seriously, he was twenty going on fifty. but with the heart of a five year old at times.

he never did fully mature.

another groan slipped past his lips as stumbled his way through the room to the adjoining bathroom. this was where he half showered, and at some point got dressed. no, he was never fully motivated in the mornings. or at all for a good portion of the time. to be honest, ben was lazy, annoying, obnoxious, etc. but then again, this was just how ben was. his mind was just a little bit more than fucked up, his life was just a little bit more than abnormal. living up to your mother's words, the words from a woman who tried to kill you several times, it could take a toll on you. it could tear you apart and pick apart everything in your life. but he wanted to be that "perfect little boy" his mother had called him, her final words to him.

ben had too many expectations for himself for him to be normal, to be sane. he was anything but those two. but no one knew about the troubles he felt on the inside. every doubt, every insecurity was blocked out with his enthusiasm, his obnoxious nature, the liquor, the pot, the lies.

the lies were the basis of everything benjamin raine nelkin did.

slowly, he dragged himself out of the bathroom. he was almost fully dressed. more dressed than he would have liked. (yes, ben would have preferred a life living in nude in every single moment. but clothes were a barrier, an annoyance. and, unfortunately, a necessity to be seen out in society. unfortunately.

a yawn passed through his full, rose colored lips as he slipped on some random shirt and headed out of the room. blinking away the excess tears from the yawn, he walked down the hallway, toward the elevators. maybe a stairwell could have done him better, but there were too many horror movies about them. too many things to get his mind to be triggered into a never ending battle of paranoia.

bringing his iphone out of his pocket, he set up a text for a new, but old, person in his life, jasmine lee: what are you doing today? though, he knew it was probably better off to stay away from her, stay away from the feelings. but he couldn't help himself. maybe. no, he didn't want these feelings, these emotions swarming through him. this wasn't how this was supposed to play out. he was supposed to be more in touch with himself, more accepting of himself.

truth was, benjamin nelkin hated everything about himself.

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] 701
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B] this is crap. i'm sorry, but it's better than nothing?[/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]

[jasmine riley lee]

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I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
_________________________________________________

jazz kept on drifting in and out of conscienceness slowly, her mind wandering from the magazine pages every once in a while, she was a whole lot more tired than she let on. Regardless she was chilling in the main lobby area, only instread of being out front where everyone could see you, she was a little more off to the side thanks to the private area for the people in the hotel's privacy, it was actually the perfect way to avoid the paparazzi and have personal time as well, that was hard to do. she opened and closed her eyes slowly once realizing that they were growing heavier and heavier and sighed as she put the magazine down on the couch and got up to venture the breakfast area quickly, very quickly, this was her morning, and she didn't need happy and peppy morning people saying hello. like a spy she slipped in and slipped out with a smalll cup of caffeinated coffee in her hands, creamed and ready to go, nice and hot. she smiled as she took a small sip from the cup enjoying the surge of energy just from the hotness and the idea of coffee, she would wake up soon enough and if not, she would go back for more until they were out or something.

Jazz found her way back and sat in the same spot she left from and picked back up her reading in the magazine, stuff about the festical going on and leaving soon for the next town, and then gossip about couples and hook ups and whatever else you could possibly think of, it was accused of people in the rags, there always was someone who had to be daring and get caught or get in trouble and then have it announced to the world in an unattractive picture for the world to see, and oh hell yes, it had happened to her before, plenty of times. she laughed as she examined one of a few people she knew and how bad they looked or how funny there facial expression were. crazy things they said in those things, but then again, she didn't read them too often in fear of reading something about herself, she doesn't care what people think of her in all honesty, but sometimes you just don't want to know what people say behind someone's back, and for all she knew she had been in there a hundred times and she not know about it, but that's the way she wanted it, she didn't care to hear that she 'might be pregnant' or was 'sleeping aroung with so and so' no, she didn't care to read that. the little she had read had been about her 'complicatedness' which.. in all honesty was rather true, she was a very complicated person, she had a few problems, and yes, she had had a love affair long ago, well not too long, but she didn't care, yes she did have problems but she dealt with them pretty nicely in her opinion. but then again, she was bipolar at times, getting angry for no reason, or crying for no reason at all, yeah, she would say she was different from all the rest.

She was actually very amused at her thoughts today and enjoying case scenarios when her fun buzzed in her front pocket, she giggled out loud at the tickle in her lef before pulling it out and reading a text message shocked that the name said 'ben' her heart lurched a little bit, damnit that boy, why was he in her heart, why was he in her head? she couldn't help it. damn him. she smiled as she read the text, already hitting the reply button as she thought up what to text back, just chilling out really, not much of anything, how about you? you're up a little early aren't you? she commented thinking of how he hated to wake up early. she smiled. benjamin nelkin.

The boy she had wished she would have stayed for, the boy she left to chase her dream, the boy she had wrecked everything with, the boy she loved so much... she was a terrible person, seriously, but luckily she had talked to him earlier in an IM and gotten to talk to him after three long years, turns out that he followed his dream as well and was now on the same tour as she was... coincedence right? well, she thought so. and Jasmine was all about fate, and destiny, could this be destiny, or was she overthinking things and analyzing the details? there was no telling whether lust was over her love for him or if it was her high hopes, she knew she shouldn't expect anything from him, but she had this twinge of hope, for whatever reason, she did, and she believed in it with all of her little complicated heart

NOTES <3 jazz and nate
WORDS 966
TAGGED NATE
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

ANOTHER YAWN SLIPPED THROUGH HIS FULL lips as he watched the numbers slowly decrease down when the elevator hit a new floor. at the feeling of the phone vibrating in his hand, his heart jumped. sped up until he was sure it was going to burst past his ribs. or maybe he was just being dramatic. that would have been absolutely nothing new for him. not at all. but then again, maybe he should have known better than to text her of all people, but he just couldn't help it. talking to her earlier, it got him thinking. good and bad thoughts at that. maybe he still liked her, still wanted her. and that would just be the thing that scared him the most. losing all sense of confidence, becoming loyal to one individual. it wasn't ben's thing. sure, he was dependent on people as a general, but to devote every single thing in life to one person... that was just a bit much. and he was still far too young to fall in love, to commit himself to a person.

but there was still that small smile on his lips as he read the text. there was something about the girl that made him feel just a bit more comfortable than normal. but he refused to think about what it meant. no. he wasn't ready. he didn't want to acknowledge the feelings he was getting, remembering, reliving. ben would just prefer for them to stay on the back burner until he knew it was ok, knew that it wasn't a false alarm. when this would be, he didn't know. he was so unsure of himself, of who he was. there was a lot of figuring out ben needed to do in order to be confident enough to let himself be exposed, to be loved, to love another.

hah, yeah. a pounding headache and obnoxious stomach can do that to you, ya know? he replied, half glaring down at his stomach that apparently liked to demand for food at times where he didn't want to do anything. sure, ordering room service could have been an option, but he didn't think about that until after he had gotten onto the elevator. naturally. impulsive, yes. it was just the way he was. always had been really. well.. most of the time at least. there were times where he did think before doing something, saying something. more times than not, that something ended up being a thing about his past. yes, he hated for hiding everything about it. how his mother loved him with everything, but still kept him under the water too long. how she threw him in the deep end of the pool to teach him how to swim. how she got so mad at him one night that she almost choked him to death.

and yet... everything he did, he was doing it for her.

sure, he could have been naive and helpless. he could have been idiotic and in denial. sure, there had been the few friends who always questioned him. questioned him on why he was the way he was, on why he hated himself so much. truth was, benjmain didn't think he was good enough for anything. he thought that he was better off alone forever, with no one to love. he didn't deserve it. that was part of the reason he would never commit fully. all he would ever end up being was just another disappointment to another person. just like he was to his mother.

yeah, okay, his family now wasn't bad at all. they loved him, treated him right. they never laid an angry hand on him, ever. except for those mock fights he would end up having with his foster sisters. but it was never out of anger, out of hate. but that still never stopped him for waiting for that one time. that one moment where everything lost control and that slap came right up to him and caused him pain. sometimes, he even wished he could feel that pain again.

benjamin nelkin knew that he needed help, but he refused it. he already knew every little thing that was wrong with him. why pay the money to have some arrogant bastard to tell him what he already knew? after all, it was just so much easier for him to fake it and come to terms with who he really was. who he was hiding all along. that little eight year old boy never quite grew up properly. his emotions were out of normal perspective. he often didn't react to things properly. most of the time, he over reacted more than he under reacted. and this was just who he was, who he hated.

impatiently, his foot tapped against the hard floor in the elevator. it stopped half way down to the bottom floor to let on another passenger, elevator-rider, whatever the hell you wanted to call it, and just took oh so slowly to close the doors once again and get going. yeah, ben was rather impatient, always on the go. it helped him think less, which was so much better than over thinking to him. he didn't like getting caught up in his thoughts. he didn't like knowing what his mind was capable of producing. the last time it had happened, ben nearly committed suicide. almost. the plot was all there inside of his head. he was saved before he could go through with it though. his sister had found him just in time, and he has yet to thank her enough for it. but that's just mostly because he knew he couldn't tell her why he was doing it, what caused him to get so down on himself.

no, it was his little dirty secret that no one would ever know.

finally, finally the elevator fell to the bottom floor where he was able to get off. the process of that might involved him being just a bit too quick though, but he was just a little claustrophobic. even if it was just one person in there with him, he could still feel his heart being harder than it had been, feel his breathing quicken. ironic, isn't it? a person with a lack of personal space was claustrophobic. who would have thought that? oh.. well.. it's not that important. all that was important now was that ben was now free from a death trap and was now finally on his way to a source of food.

oh... and something that didn't involve bright lights either. not good for a headache, definitely not for his recent hangover that seemed to want to stick with him.

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] 1,115
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B] this is my longest post in a while. i'm proud of it.[/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]

[jasmine riley lee]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
_________________________________________________

Jasmine sighed as she slouched a little on the couch, what did it matter, not a whole lot of people were passing by anyway, and it's not like she cared either what she looked like in their eyes, hell she had pink hair, you can't really surprise people after that. she threw the book lightly on the table where it slid to the side barely hanging on the table at all, who was she kidding, who was going to come around the corner and talk to her when no one knew she was here.. maybe she could go do something, have a little activity, or.. better yet call chane and go out with him somewhere, all of it sounded better than just sitting here watching the wallpaper peel. no, she had to do something, there had to be more to do on a day like today. she drug out a deep breath from her small body and was just about to get up when her phone vibrated and she dropped it on the floor it scared her so bad. when she was concentrated, she was concentrated, no doubt about it.

She laughed at herself softly and picked it up decided to plop back on the couch and sit indian style like a little girl waiting for her christmas presents in the morning. and that's how she felt too, every message she looked forward to, unfortunately. she hated the way her heart learched when her phone vibrated or the way she looked at her phone every few minutes a while back. she shouldn't feel this way, and she should have moved on, but of course she had to complicate things even farther and love like him. she hated herself, truly. this time, her sigh was a little bit more depressed and for some odd reason she thought of ben. nothing was ever good enough for him, it's not that he though he was better than everyone else, in fact, it was completely the opposite, he never considered himself good enough, of course he acted like it on the outside, but he surely didn't think that way. the only reason she knew all this was the closeness they shared only three years back. but still, that was three years ago and she hadn't conversed with him since, only through IM and text messgaes and things like that, her hopes were high though that she might see him around tour soon. she was looking forward to that time.

but thinking about ben, and how they were friends when they were smaller, got her thinking about her mother, something she usually didn't let her mind wander to, it was a dangerous subject to linger on and she kept herself busy, or talking or thinking about something else just so she wouldn't have to face the pain that she had been pushing aside since she was ten. Jasmine's mother was killed in a car accident one day and Jasmine loved her dearly, so hearing the news broke her heart, and her father's as well, he drank and drank his pain away, while Jazzy had to face the pain while sober, and at the moment her father was NOT thinking of her, and it caused her to rebel, wanting his attention so badly she would go off and do whatever she could to get in trouble, in fact, it's kind of how she met ben. he lived near them, actually a street over and she went walking one day trying to find a ride home or even a night with someone else and she had met him at first she had turned on the charm but soon realized it wasn't what she was looking for, not with him at least. she started talking to him, and then it seemed like she was going over there every day just to see him, to talk to him, he became her best friend. every night her father would drink too much and stumble in the door, she would head on over and knock on his window and climb in his room, or get him to swing outside with her, anything really just as long as she was with him and able to talk, confide in him or anything. she remembered it so clearly. and she told him everything.

he was her wonderwall, nothing could get pass him, or so she thought. a couple years later they dated and were inseperable. that was until Jazzy started thinking of a career in the music business, and from then she made the hardest decision of her life so far, and possibly the stupidest quite honestly. she left benjamin behind and chased her dream, and look where it got her. she wasn't quite sure if she was happy or sad about it, but most likely happy since she got her dream and possible him too, okay.. not really. but she might get to see him again at least..

she smiled as she read the text, bringing her out of her reverie. she grinned from ear to ear as she text him back with a smirk automatically appearing on her features, well, not from experience, but i guess i do know about the headaches, you feeling okay though? she replied hitting the send button. she couldn't help ask him if he was okay, his health always concerned her, she had to be there for him, even though she hadn't seen himo in three years, had to make sure he was okay. she was such an idiot. not only because she left him in the first place, but because she worried about someone who might not even feel a tinge of what she still felt for him, well.. she wasn't really sure about how she felt.. it was hard to tell at the moment, you know, not seeing him in a while and all..

NOTES <3 jazz and nate
WORDS 1128
TAGGED NATE
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

GROWING UP, BEN ALWAYS CHANGED HIS dream. at one point, he wanted to be an actor (hell, it wasn't like he wasn't one already). early teenage years lead him to wanting to become a priest. then came the dreams of wanting to become an artist and a pianist. eventually, just anything doing with music became the essential goal. music was a get away, a ticket out of this world for him. the soft notes produced by a piano, the hard, ivory keys against the tips of his fingers. chords from a guitar, the metallic strings pressed against his fingertips. high and low notes. crescendos and diminuendos. he'd get lost in his own little world, lost in a place where only he existed. a world where nothing bad ever happened. it was heaven... or purgatory. maybe it was even hell. he didn't know, nor did he care. he was at peace with himself. lost until the last note was produced, until everything just faded away. at peace until he was forced to face the cold, hard reality before him.

the adrenaline rush after a show was usually good enough to keep him sane for a bit after a show. the natural sort of high only able to be produced for the spotlights, the loudness, the screams of fans. escasty ran through his veins after every show, every performance, every gig. it was an amazing feeling, an amazing way to come back to reality. until he was forced to collide head first with everything. ben didn't like dealing with his problems, with his life. he liked the fake one more than the real. and people were just better off not knowing what caused his mind to become the way it was. not even people he was closest to. hence why he never said a word to anyone. his mother was never spoken about, his father was never around to having anything bad against.

a further examination into his head would so that his mother was the root of all his problems. even his commitment issues. you see, while his mother was married to his father, she was never loyal. while he was out on business trips, she'd bring man after man after man home, seduced them, fucked them over and over and over again. the l word was slipped so loosely through her lips that it had ended up like a dirty rag. it was this that made ben vow to never let the word pass through those full lips of his unless he actually meant it. even though it was just a word, he felt that it should have more meaning that it did have these days. maybe he was just a little old fashioned, but he felt that words had a meaning, they had a purpose other than just little tools for communication.

once he was outside of the elevator, he wasn't sure where to go. the little food area place they had here, or a vending machine, or to venture through the streets of the city. or maybe he could even call up one of his band mates to bring him something. they would have to listen to him after all. right? he thought so, or would think so if he was around other people. but really, one diva fit from benjamin raine nelkin was good enough for a year. and then again... he usually had about several of them within a year.

his bottom lip slipped between his teeth, which were biting down gently on it, as he felt his phone vibrate once again. once again, a smile spread onto his lips. and maybe even part of him was relieved that she still cared. or maybe he was just wishfully thinking. yea, i'm fine. i've felt worse, srsly. but hey, you should come hunt down food with me. yes? there was still a small smile on his lips as he sent the message. maybe he was happen to be friends again, or whatever it was that they were now. back in contact? he didn't know. but.. he didn't know. on the inside, he was so confused, so lost, so... he needed so much before he'd finally be whole again. maybe it would be better for him to give up that slight feeling of hope inside of him. even if it was there for nothing.

yeah, he was happy that she was getting her dream. he wasn't going to stop that; he wasn't going to force her to stop. ben would rather see her happy then miserable. but this was just how he felt about almost everyone else as well. to be honest, ben cared way too much about other people, about how they felt, what they thought. he wanted his friends, his lovers, his family, everyone to be happy. even if it left him wanting to curl up into a ball and never show his face again. benjamin nelkin was one of those people who would give up his life in order for someone to be happy. that was just the way he was. good or bad, he didn't care.

something bright, a bit obnoxious, and very pink caught his eye as he entered into the lobby. taking a side glance at it, he noticed the distant features of a familiar face. and with this sighting, a smirk fell over those lips of his. sometimes, things were just too good, no? placing his phone into his pocket. or attempting to. yeah, it was a bit hard to get things into those girl's pants he chose to wore. (though, if you asked him why he wore them, he'd simply say that it was because they were the only thing that fit over his ass. not because he liked them.) quietly, he maneuvered his way around, trying to keep out of her sight as he headed behind the couch she was sitting at. the whole time, the smirk remained on his lips.

finally, he was able to get behind the couch. and oh so very quietly (which was actually a hard thing for ben to do, thank you very much) he worked his way behind her. his hands reached out and covered over her eyes as his lips placed themselves by her ear. "boo," he whispered, trying to mask his voice from being identified. yeah, he could sometimes be a huge dork. but part of this was really the outside exterior. sure, there were parts of him that were decent without acting, that were normal. but there really wasn't much to him. he didn't have the enthusiasm, the energy, he usually showed. these were things he needed to force out of himself to get by day to day without getting questioned too much. and to him, the less questions the better.

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] 1,131
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B] ben<3[/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]

[jasmine riley lee]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
_________________________________________________

Even though she was conversing with ben through texts didn't mean she was just sitting there idly this whole time, all the while (while meaning waiting for his texts) she had to think of old times past and memories she couldn't forget no matter how hard she tried... which she did to try and get over him, but of course, it didn't work. thinking of how things used to be, and how she used to play around with him, and how they would spend every waking moment with each other. she almost felt like crying.. which was bad. Jazz never cried.. and she wasn't planning on it today. she glanced around at a couple of magazines to get her mind off of it but ended up right back where she started, for some reason she thought of the time she had told him she loved him, he hadn't really responded back, but she knew that it had meant a lot to him, well, it seemed like it did. She was eighteen and they had been seeing each other for about a year when she finally said it to him, it actually kind of slipped out, she had been thinking it so much at the time, it popped out and afterwards she was glad, so that was how she rolled, and that's how it had come out.

And pretty much they lived happily ever after until she started talking about being a musician and stars and being famous, and how she might follow her dream and actually try, she didn't think she would actually do it, but for some reason she just felt as if she were getting older and her time was running out, so instead of staying with ben and kind of finding a 'hapiily ever after' as some would call it, she left and went to chase the dream of being famous, and regretting it every day since. well... not really regretted it, just that she didn't mean to hurt him as bad as she did, she still didn't understand why he was talking to her so socially as he was now, and a few days before as well, she didn't deserve it, and she knew that good and well.

She smiled as her memories resurfaced once more when her phone vibrated, this time it was more securely in her lap, and vibrated there instead of on the floor. She flipped it open and read his text smiling wide, good, and.. uhm, yes sure. lol but one question where are you? she replied hitting the send button a little too eagerly.. he seemed as if he was in suhc a happy mood lately, and she was loving it, of course she hadn't seen him, only conversed through techology, but it still counted.. in her opinion, and you can't tell emotion from IMs and text messages so she didn't know this to be a fact, just that if he were mad at her he most likely wouldn't ask for her to hunt down food with him. and of course she was way too eager to tell him yes and finally see him since three years. all of a sudden nerves suffocated her and she felt that she couldn't really breathe, was she ready to see him? she hadn't really thought about it earlier, but would that be the best idea?

she almost rolled her eyes at herself... of course she was ready, hell it was ben for heavens sake, what was she nervous for, even though they had dated didn't mean friends was completely out of the question, she could handle this and she would rock in the confidence department. and she was sure he would as well... but he had ever reason too. ANYWAY though, she though deciding to get her mind off of his looks if she was going to try for at least 'friends'. she smiled to herself at the thought of seeing him, would she recognize him? would he be even more attractive than the last time she saw him? would he think she had grown up in the last three years? she had no idea, and all these thoughts were suffocating her again, except not with nervousness but on her looks and his as well, and how tall or short he had become if his face had matured, there was just so many things to think about. she was overwhelmed. at least she still had her pink hair. so he would be able to partially recognize her by that if not anything else.

you know that feeling one gets when they swear something or someone is behind them or watching them, or anything to that matter. well, Jasmine was having fits with that feeling at the moment, she could have swore that there was someone in the hotel that was watching her, or behind or, or anything, and thats when she started hearing things as well... she thought she heard the carpet behind her.. but was too afraid to look, because if she was going to scream, it better be a good reason. she practicaly made her heart slow down until she was completely calm.. only until her eyes were covered by a male's hands and 'boo' was whispered in her ear, she gasped and tried not to scream but failed... miserably. she screamed and wiggled out of his hands practically clawing them away from her face and whipped around only to face the one boy she hadn't seen in three years, and damn did he look good. and was just standing there. she had no idea what to do.. say sorry for being so loud, or scared... be mad at him for scaring her.. which seemed like a good idea at the moment.. or hug him or jump him... rape him she just sat there with her mouth slightly open giving her that sultry look even though she wasn't even trying.. uhm...sorry.. but hey! she said quickly practically lunging at him and giving him a bear hug. she then frowned at him all too quickly and playfully punched him in the shoulder enough to give a little pain but not enough to hurt him... that was not nice. she said returning to her usual manner and rolling her eyes at him.. her moods changed rather fast, but good took over seeing as she couldn't believe he was here in front of her...

NOTES awh, i love them.
WORDS 1233
TAGGED NATE
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

GOOD AND BAD. RIGHT AND WRONG. they weren't things that benjamin could separate easily. he wanted to prove to people that he could be something. that he would end up being something more than just a riff-raff. he was so much more than a poor boy who was just a little lost. actually, he was a lot lost. his heart, and his mind. they held so anything things he was so unsure of. he always questioned the things they shouldn't. he was always curious of things that couldn't. twenty years into his life, and he still felt like that lost thirteen year old who was just trying to fit in. but we have said before that ben's mind wasn't fully developed. he skipped a few of the developmental stages he needed as a child as he grew up. he didn't have the proper care he had needed as a child.

attachment disorder isn't the right phrase, but it's the first thing that comes to mind.

ben had a fear of growing close to people. he didn't like people getting inside of his mind, knowing every little detail about him. but he always sat back and listened to everyone else, trying to help them. the only thing that knew of his true feelings and insights were the notebooks hiding under his bed at his apartment, in the closet, in his suitcase. every night, or whatever spare time he had, the black pen in his right had would press against the off white pages and write on and on until there was nothing left to say. sometimes it was only a page, sometimes it was half the notebook. nobody knew this, but there was a lot going on inside of his mind. but he always played dumb, like the one who didnt' think too much. but the thing was... he didn't want to think. as stated before, he hated getting lost in his thoughts. they took him to dangerous places that he should never touch, never go. this was way ben refused to let himself be alone. there always needed to be at least one other person with him. otherwise life got tricky. it played games on him, tricked him into seeing things they shouldn't be seen.

but this was only from his perspective. he hated it. everything about his mind actually. it had never been too kind to him. it was something that just... it did need the help that he refused. it needed to get something inside of it to set it straight. but he didn't want it. he didn't want to waste the time of talking to someone when the answers were already known. and he didn't want to become dependent on any medication. it was bad enough that he was already that way with people in general. and the marijuana. and the alcohol. he didn't need anything else to add to that list. he didnt' need to become addicted to something that would just turn him into another square.

yeah, ben hated everything about himself, but he still didnt' want to change. but anyway.

maybe it was a bad idea to see the girl once again. maybe it was foolish of him to try to act normal. fuck, he knew he could act it. and yeah, he wasn't too sure on his feelings for her. he still wanted her, still thought about her from time to time over the past three years. it was almost like she was a plague that was set out to haunt him. but he still couldn't hate her for anything. she had her reasons. everyone had their reasons. his for everything were always more complex than they needed to be, but he wasn't all that simple of a guy to begin with. but jasmine... she wanted something. and he was most definitely not going to stop her. he would have hated himself if he had. and really, whatever it was that she had wanted, he would have simply went along with it.

ok, so maybe he might have winced just a tad bit when she screamed. but honestly, that was just his reaction when anyone screamed. well.. the single one, the one that wasn't grouped with other ones. alright, so the only exceptable scream to him was that in a crowd of fans. or the ones he would give out when he was alone and he just needed to do it. he needed to let the anger, the jealousy, the hatred, the everything out of his system to let him be sane again. ben's life was almost a living hell, but he still wouldn't change it.

and then there was still that small smile on his lips when he felt her arms wrap around him. immediately, he hugged her back. but seriously, could he not? three fucking years of not seeing each other was too much for friends. but.. they had also been something else as well. something more. and that something still scared the shit out of him when he thought about it. so he just naturally tried to avoid it at all costs. he didn't need those feelings coming back to him, he didn't need to relive everything. ben was perfectly content with being a whore, being loveless. it was easier for him. it was so, so much easier when he knew that his life wouldn't be combined with someone elses to a full extent. it was better that way, really. no one needed to deal with him forever, or until death do them part.

but he still wanted to please his mother. please her whenever they met up again by having a beautiful wife, a few children, and a succesful carrer. but sometimes, life likes to change your plans. it likes to take them by a loose thread and tear it all part. you see, ben had always been questioning the aspect that he might not actually fully be straight. sure, he played along with the gay jokes, acted like a typical teenage boy, but there was still the question inside of him on whether or not he was.

his eyes took in jasmine as they pulled away. and.. he wasn't sure he could handle this. this was... maybe it was too soon. he wasn't sure how he was feeling. she still looked as beautiful as ever, and he still knew that he didn't deserve her. she could do so much better, so much more without him. but he still manged to keep himself from keeping them apart, from running away from the situation like he had done so many times before. "i'm sorry," he said, a grin on his face, the exterior benjamin coming into play now. "i couldn't resist though. and well, you know me." biting down onto his bottom lip, a hand of short, callused fingers ran through his recently cut hair. life shouldn't be this hard, but he was thankful that it wasn't any harder. but instead of listening to his mind, the one that was telling him to run away or to over think everything, he just simply acted like he always did: carefree. "but enough of small talk, my stomach cannot wait," he grinned once again, light yellow-white teeth appearing from behind his lips.

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] 1,210
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B] he's an idiot. [/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]

[jasmine riley lee]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
_________________________________________________

at the moment her whole body was just thrown out of wack, her heart, beating wildly thank you very much, was a sure give-away. she just sat there as her emotions spilled out in one breath, sometimes she couldn't believe herself, she was happy, than 'mad' and then happy again, of course the happy won out when it came to ben, how could it not? after Jazz pulled away her eyes roved over him taking all of him in, she swore she gasped but hopefully, he hadn't heard, but knowing benji, he most likely did, she wanted to wince but refrained from doing so. She smiled as her eyes found his again, hers dancing despite the semi-awkward situation. she didn't care, it was good to see him, and she would try her damnest to not let it get awkward, hopefully he would do the same.

For some reason, she just instantly wanted to spend time with him, well I guess it shouldn't be a huge surprise when you have been best friends most of your life there would be the part of you that still feels really close. and yes they had dated, so what. it just brought extra feeligns into play, and that wasn't always a bad thing....well maybe for him, but not for her. she rolled her eyes playfully at him, she had screamed and brought attention to them, and he was the one who apologized, she wanted to laugh.. and she did, a soft happy giggle fell from her parted lips, i scream and bring attention to us, and of course you are the one to apologize, don't be....sorry i mean. she said the natural grin replacing the smile she had on her face. she rolled her eyes playfully, yeah, almost too well actually. she said a little blush creeping on her cheeks. she was happy inside, but she tried not to show it too well, didn't want him jumping to conclusion even if those conclusion might be correct. she couldn't risk that, and she wouldn't she was playing it cool, or.. to her abilities. she was actually surprised in all that he had been so bold as to scare her, well not really scare her, but make himself seen and noticed.. around her after all these years, seriousness was not his thing, and she was surprised that he had showed himself to her and was eager to see her, well.. she didn't know if he was eager but you pretty much get what she meant. she was surprised he didn't just avoid her altogether. like she would have guessed he would do.

she giggled at him, of course at a time like this he would be hungry, now that did not surprise her. she smiled up at him with bright eyes and nodded her head in ryhthym to her words, of course, food, you just mentioned it, yes.. i guess it's enough small talk.....for now. she said not wanting to startle him too much with her plans to talk to him eventually but satisfy his need at the moment....food... that is. she sighed a soft sigh as she parted with the many magazines around her and placed them back on the table in a neat little pile, and gathering her phone and iPod she had brought out, she was glad she had something to do today.. all because this one boy who she had known since forever had scared her and she was now going to go 'hunt for some food' with him. she wouldn't do anything else in her mind rather than being with him, he was just that kind of a person, to her at least, and anyone who didn't feel the same should go to hell, he was the best person she knew... besides shane of course, he was right there with him..

but that was a different story, one she wouldn't dare to think about now that she was with ben again...just like old times, she stood and parted from her thoughts, if only for a minute, shrugging, she let out a dainty sigh and smiled at him, meeting his eyes now that she was standing, Well, let's go hunt down some food Mister Benjamin. I just ate about an hour ago but it wasn't much and i do believe I'm getting rather hungry myself. she said wanting desperately for him to throw an arm around her shoulders... or perhaps waist. she practically rebuked herself with her thoughts, that wasn't his place anymore and he wouldn't do it she knew, she should be happy he didn't just hate her. Jasmine walked around the couch so she could be side by side to him, she could almost feel the energy between them, but then again.. she was a little biased on that subject in particular. before thinking anymore on the subject....or consequences for that matter she looped her arm through his with a sturdy hold on him and practically forced him to walk with her, only she knew he would follow, only because he had asked her and not the other way around, she smiled to herself... hell, they may just still have it.. or she might have it... whatever worked, the result was being with ben at the moment and that was the reason she wasn't going to over analyze it, it didn't matter how she got there, just that she was there and enjoying every minute of it, even if they hadn't done anything yet besides talk and laugh together, it was enough for her. she was such a romantic at times, despite if she wanted ot be or not, it was kind of her first nature, well.. before she closed her heart up to any man/boy besides ben.. at the moment... he could ask for it and she would give it to him, only because she had trusted him before with it.. and it was her who had snatched it away from him... only to be brought back together... if that didn't mean anything.. than she was God.

NOTES <3 jazz and nate
WORDS 1193
TAGGED NATE
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

FOR ANYONE WHO KNEW BEN, IT would be no surprise that he avoided anything serious, or awkward, or anything dealing with either one of those. it was things like that that scared him the most, in all honest. he didn’t like being vulnerable, or found out. ben was a weird person. there were so many things hidden inside that head of his, it would only be too soon before he came crashing down. yeah, he knew this rather well, but sometimes he just couldn’t help himself. he honestly hated mostly everything about himself. how he couldn't control himself, how he had plenty of expectations he needed to complete. it would ultimately become his downfall, his destroyer. his death. but he wouldn't think about that. he would just continue on as if everything was normal. 'cause everything was normal... right?

well, if you ignored the fact that he was twenty years old and was comfortable with the idea of death. but.. that's just how he was. yeah, he had suicidal streaks, negative periods where he would luck himself up in his room, hide away in his bunk. he always told people he wasn't feeling well and he just wanted to be left alone. sometimes, that was the truth. he did want to be left alone. but then there were other times when he held a razor, his lighter, staring down at whatever piece of skin he saw first. he never did it through. as much as he wouldn't mind dying sometimes, he was scared of doing it himself. he would disappoint to many people, hurt them. to be honest, that was the last thing he had ever wanted to do to anyone. benjamin liked pleasing people more than he liked hurting them. even if that meant hurting himself. it wasn't something he'd be unfamiliar with. there had been a few times where he sacrificed his feelings, his emotions, his abilities, to bring joy to someone else.

yeah, he was a little messed up in the head. he cared a little bit too much about who other people thought and felt. it was his way, what he did. other than create a complete ass out of himself but the boy wasn't all that sane. there were a few screws missing inside of that head of his. it was something he couldn't control. but he tried. he tried to be normal, sane. whether it worked or not was just a complete judgment of someone else, the ones that had to deal with yeah. and sure, he had his friends, his family, his lovers, his enemies, but he was sure they hated him. always hated him and felt that they could see right through him, see how fake he was. and yeah, he was fake. he put on an act through everything he did.

he shrugged at his... friend's? he didn't know. but whatever she was, he still shrugged at her comment. the smile faded from his lips all the same still. until the mention of food came about. and if it was almost like his stomach knew when to take the cue when it growled a second or two after speaking. he smiled sheepishly when he looked over at her. oh well. there really wasn't anything to be embarrassed about. after all, this was benjamin nelkin we are talking about and he has plenty of stories about him embarrassing himself to last him a lifetime. or two. like that one time at band camp, where he was asked to.. never mind. that's not important. it's all in the past and doesn’t need bringing up. right? right.

now, you see... ben wasn't exactly the one to hate anyone. he knew people had their reasons for doing what they did. we already knew about him; he acted his way through ever situation so he'd be liked. now, it didn't always work but that was his own problem. when jasmine left... well, he didn't exactly blame her. she had a dream and she was chasing after it. all he would do was get in the way, anchor her down. he'd rather see her happy without him than miserable with him. that's how he saw it. so when she left, he just let her. they weren't anything serious after all, or that's what he had convinced himself at least. their relationship at least. it.. was just a curiosity thing. she was his first, but definitely not his last. it sucked sometimes though. he subconsciously compared every relationship he had to theirs. well, not exactly relationships. as far as fans are concerned, the only relationships he's ever been in where the ones that were one-night-stands, or a two day fling. his record highest was three days, and let's just say that wasn't a pretty break up at all. but back to the little point again. seeing jasmine again was different, not that things were completely different. looks remained the same, but ages grew older. almost like a time warp, but so different at the same time. but ben wouldn't over think any of it. he didn't believe in superstitions; he didn't believe that everything had a purpose.

in ben's mind, things just happened. there were plenty of things that happened in his life that had no purpose. why should everything else? sure, it's a bit pessimistic but that's just how ben was. in his real mind he saw things more negatively then he would give off. he was broken, strangled, and completely incomplete. and he still had yet to find the right pieces to put together for him to be fully happy. the puzzle, the game, the everything was all scrambled up from too much use, abuse, neglect.

"yes, food, it's calling our names," he stated, matter-of-factly, grinning. "i can hear it from here. i can hear the little 'ben, ben, come eat me,'" he said, complete with a higher pitched tone to mimick the food talking. "my stomach has to obey it." he nodded, before jumping over the coach. sorta. it ended with him falling onto the couch, looking up at the pink haired girl before standing right back up. there was his signature smile on his lips, fake or not, as he proceded on. "let's go mi'lady," he suggested, or demanded, as he (maybe overdramatically) started to head toward the front of the hotel.

and yeah, he might have regretted trying to be all suave and jumping over the back of the couch. because that little hangover headache he had once had, well.. it was worse now. so, so much worse. and he might have been wincing from it, eye twitching. but he didn't have a mirror to see it, so he wouldn't know. but that's really beside the point now, wasn't it?

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] 1,127
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B] wow. i've taken longer than it thought on this.. BUT IT'S DONE. [/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]

[jasmine riley lee]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
_________________________________________________

the first thing that she was positive about now, was that she couldn't trust him.. not that he was a bad person by any means, cause he wasn't.. it was just that.. she wasn't sure if she was ready for something like this.. that rather.. of course she would most likely jump at the chance, but that was only if he brought it up.. which was like not even one-tenth of a possibility. so basically it just wasn't going to happen, and she had admitted this to herself within the last five minutes over and over again, yet she kept on asking just in case she changed her mind, or if she found a trace of doubt in that perfect face of his. if only. but she couldn't dwell there, she would be going through hell if she did, she had way too many if only's in her life to sit around thinking about them... it's one of the reasons why she keeps herself so busy these days.. she didn't want to think about it, to hurt more than she had way back when. no, she wouldn't do that to herself, what happened.. well it just happened, and she would have to deal with those consequences just like an adult, you either choose to acknowledge them and do something aobut it, or just ignore them altogether, which she had been expertly doing for the last three years.

Jasmine wasn't really sure at what she was feeling anymore.. she just didn't know, there was so many thoughts going through her head she didn't even bother to sort them out... she didn't want to, she didn't want to realize what she knew her heart was telling her. the fact that she still loved him regardless of what had happened and what she had thrown away. she wanted to hate herself, wanted to make herself miserable.. and truth be told, she wished he would hate hate, and she wished he would make her life miserable, that way she wouldn't feel so awful like she didn't do anything, because she had.. she had hurt him and she wouldn't believe that she hadn't until he came right out and told her, she could just tell, he didn't have to say anything along those lines, she knew deep down it had hurt, and she wished he blamed her for it. but the thing is, he seemed so cool about the fact, but then again, they hadn't really talked about it either, but to be sure.. it was coming and she wasn't sure if she was glad about it or more upset that it had to come. it was so nice being with him like this and not really having a care in the world but then again, this was how she felt every time she was with ben. he made her feel .. well.. it was undescribable. and she certainly couldn't even begin to explain.

Jasmine didn't want to just stare at him it felt too awkward and it gave her time to think about things.. aka.. a bad idea. she never should think alone with him in the same room, at touching distance... where she could easily just tell him so many things that she had thought about in the last three years, tell him how she was feeling right about now, or even tell him that they needed to talk, which was obvious but wasn't going to get brought up until thay had nothing else to talk about... which would come soon seeing as that's all they really ever talked about.. was them. it was sad actually. the last time she had seen him was when she kissed him goodbye for the very 'last' time. it had come up so suddenly, she had just told the whole small town that she was leaving and that she couldn't take the 'small town life' anymore. but everyone saw through the lie, everyone knew about her situation and how it would hurt benjamin despite everything else he had went through in his life.

at that exact moment she thought of what he 'had' been through she felt a sharp stab of pain for him, pain at the realization that she could have screwed him up even worse, not that she didn't mind, she would take him as is anyday, she just felt immensely guilty for making him go thorugh such a thing. of course he was probably telling himself or had told himself in the past that it wasn't serious and that it was just another fling and not to be upset about it, but to be sure after all this time he realized that what they had was more than just a passing fancy, it was much, much more.. well it was for her for that matter. and it should... should mean that much to him, but what else can you expect from benjamin i mean.. really.. but instead of lingering on those thoughts about how she had messed him up even more she decided to focus on now seeing as it would be a whole lot more safe for him.. and for her as well. just for her to keep her little thoughts and analizations to herself, she could mess up right here and right now and that thought wasn't all that luring whatsoever.

but then her thoughts wandered to way back when she would go over to his house and sit on his swing when something went wrong with her father or he would come home drunk and try to beat her, yes.. she would run to his house and cry it all out and he would just sit there.. waiting for it all to be over with, not wanting to bother her 'tear flow' but not knowing what to say either.. in fact, it was just what she had needed at that particular moment and she was more thankful for him now than she had been when she was younger, only to know that he was still here with her regardless of the extra emotions thrown into the big bunch, yes they had dated but that didn't mean the friendship just.. disappeared. and then there was the fact that she was his first.. and he was hers.. they were both so nervous and so awkward, but it was wonderful for her, and after that first time.. well they didn't really slow down. it was fun for them to express their emotions.. or at least that was the way she felt...

her thoughts came to an abrupt stop as he spoke, she nodded her head.. okay.. well we better not disobey your stomach.. we all know how that goes.. she said teasing him a bit. it felt like it had been a while since she had teased anyone.. besides shane that is. speaking of shane.. well.. let's not get into that.. thats a whole other story in itself.. one she would not bring up in front of him... whatsoever.. unless it was absolutely necessary. she smiled at him as he simply stated them leaving but still, she felt a twinge of hope when he called her 'milady' she knew she shoudn't get her hopes high and that he would call just.. anyone that. but it didn't matter, she had already begun to hope.. what's the use now in denying it. she laughed when he fell on the couch.. he was such a spazz, truly. but she loved that about him, he could do anything stupid in front of like.. billions of people and recover just as if he had tripped on a mere cord or sang the wrong key.. it was simple for him. she wished she was like that. but then again, maybe it was a bad thing..

Jazzy shrugged her shoulders randomly and started out the door with him walking by her side, it was going to be a long day and she could already tell. but that might be a good thing, you never knew.. there was a lot that could come out in the open in a day, and for that fact she would have to be extra careful... and thinking of that made her instantly think of shane.. and images of the other night flashed to her memory, making her cringe every time she looked at ben and thought of shane.. was it really that serious, or was she just experiencing the lust after all the sex... who knew.. but she wasn't sure if she was happy or upset about it.. this was good. two boys... the same band.. one girl... it wasn't going to end well.. she just hoped she wasn't there when it all came into play and they realized what was going on. and she hoped most of all that neither of them would get their feelings hurt.. or hurt at all for that matter... time would only tell.

NOTES <3 jazz and nate
WORDS 1659
TAGGED BEN.
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

SAYING THAT THINGS WERE EASY FOR him would be a complete lie. this were more complex than they needed to be with him. for so he felt. he had always tried his hardest to become something he wasn't sure he could handle. being happy all the time, it was something that took more work that it seemed. but being that stereotypical emo boy wasn't anything he wanted to be. he wanted to make something out of himself and he wanted people to like him. his mind swirled around in an endless battle. a ticking bomb almost. but if anyone asked, he was perfectly fine. but he never talked either. no one knew of his issues, his problems. no one knew that he had formerly been abused by his mother. sort of.

he still sometimes wished his mother would have just kept his head under for a few seconds longer. kept her fingers around his neck to really do damage. but he had always been saved. his father walking in. a friend calling. a final straw came too soon though, pulling him away from his mother and father. eight years old and already losing his sanity. but no matter what happened to him, he always remembered the last words he heard his mother spoke. "don't take my perfect boy away." the words were on permanent repeat inside of his head. playing over and over and over again. it was stupid, but he always tried to live up to that dream. he still wanted to please his mother, so when he finally met up with her again. he wanted her to be proud of him. he'd become successful, get a wife, have a few kids. some day.

but even now, watching the girl he had once dated... maybe even loved. but no. he would never admit it. those words would never slip through his lips. no because he feared love, commitment, all that much.. it was just... he wanted to make sure that it was the truth. he didn't want the word to be thrown around as if it was something. but it was only a word that happened to be caught up in something more powerful than he was. if it even existed in the full run. he was so lost. lost, confused and battered. he did need that little bit of guidance in his life. just a little bit of hope to know that everything would be okay. he would never take any of it though.

a grin filled his facial features again. "disobeying my stomach would cause the apocalypse," he stated, matter of factly, "not even kidding you." he nodded as one of his hands ran through his newly cut hair. the short strands of hair slipping easily through his fingers. there might have been something in his stomach. something screaming at him to just walk away, to ignore her. but he couldn't. no just because of what they had back in the past, but because of what could ever happen between them again. his life was going good now. he was falling along a dream of his. he was coming close to part of his ultimate life goal. but he didn't want to mess anything up. he didn't want to become completely attached, needy, clingy. he didn't want to create more complexity for him.

and not to mention benjamin still had a lot of figuring out to do for himself. he was confused on who he was, on what he needed. part of him needed a life support, another part of him needed an equal. but two fuck ups have had yet to proven to become something good. but honestly, he wasn't fully sure of if he even liked girls. or boys. or whatever the fuck it was he was attractive to. yeah sure, there was that constant knowledge that he was attracted to girls. that had always been there. the soft, soft skin, slender fingers and bodies. the way they can just take a hold of you and just trance you. and then there was that part of him that was just always attracted to another. another gender. the feeling that he didn't need to be the strong one in a relationship would have been a good thing for him. but he was so, so afraid. and it wasn't like he was a homophobe. he just... being gay would interfere with his plans. but he still couldn't help the curiosity that built inside of him whenever he got a hug from another male. the dreams he would have from much an event. no, he would never do anything. there was no one who needed him for anything. he didn't care what people said. he was another rouge, a train wreck just wanting to happen.

despite his inner monologue though, he was the complete opposite. anyone looking at him right then would just see his usual bright, smiling face. well. sorta. he didn't always smile. no, that would just hurt his face too much. and.. well, you know, hurting faces aren't good for the soul. "dude," he started after they exited the building and had walked a bit. "honestly, i can't believe that any of us are here. i mean, it's just... it's just something i've never seen happening, ya know?" he looked over at her briefly, a soft smile and slight disbelief in his eyes. "and i'll just say to you that i never thought that my band would ever get this far. mostly made for fun, i guess. but here we are." a smile was still on his lips as he shook his head and looked ahead of him. "miles away from home, and a new whole world to see. and we just might get to see it all."

yeah, just the tiniest aladdin reference there. but whatever. sue him. the boy loved his disney movies. "and you..." he said, softly, "your dream is coming true, isn't it?" he asked. his face was soft, gentle, almost too child-like for his long twenty years. and honestly, he was glad that it was. she deserved it. the girl deserved so much. and so much more than him.

if he were to completely honest, he could say that he had missed her every day since the day she left. but those were just thoughts that were pushed back into dark room of his mind. he didn't need to go crazy over a girl. he didn't need to go all "emo" for her. he was stronger than that. but it was probably the better thing in the end. he probably would have left her as soon as things got too serious. that's how it always worked with him. and he would have just felt like more of an ass.

but instead of saying any of that, he just waited her answer. before he grabbed onto her hand for a brief second to pull them into a small deli on the street. immediately though, he let go of it, teeth scraping over his teeth. no, he just refused to make any thing about this awkward. he wanted things to be normal, back to the way they had once been once upon a time. ben ordered himself a standard sub before turning to her. "order whatever you want. it's on me." he smiled at her, before taking his wallet out of his pocket. how he got it in his jeans was another story for another time, right?

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] 1,245
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B] ben is ultimately my favorite character ever. [/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]

[jasmine riley lee]

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I DONT WANNA BE THE FOOL
T H A T G E T S L E F T B E H I N D I N T H E D U S T
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Already jazzy was enojying herself, and that in general was just a bad thing. if her hopes got high enough would she assume things? assume that he still liked her? possibly even love her? she didn't want to go through the options right now, it was just too hard to think about. she wanted to spend time with him, but she didn't want her thoughts to be consumed with him.. which.. it was already a little too late for that one. she just had ot keep calms and act like it wasn't a huge deal seeing him for the first time.. but the thing is.. it was.. it was ginormous. yes. ginormous. she didn't want to jump to any conclusions but they never really.. broke it off, she had just left and they just assumed that they were never going to see each other again.. obviously THAT assumption was wrong. here they were now, touching distance away, and don't worry Jazzy and Jazzy's body knew that as well. it was fucking torture. but not really cause at least she was seeing him in person now and talking to him. it was nice. but torture in a totally different sense. Jasmine smiled at him, of course it would. why else do you think im being so serious about it! she said in mock horror. she giggled a soft giggle and turned her head slightly away from him. it was too hard to look at him sometimes.

She was surprised that he was here, talking to her, not being.. shy or noncommittal, yes, she was absolutely asotnished really, that he was able to just.. be here and her not have to really make a lasting effect to keep him here, he was here on his own free will. it was thrilling. he had every reason to walk away at this very moment, flip her the bird and move on with his life and never speak to her again, of course she would be in pieces but she was definitely glad he hadn't done that.. and most likely wasn't going to do that.. but it was almost hard not being 'punished' for leaving him.. yes.. being away from him was sort of punishment in itself but still, why was he being so reasonable from what she could tell? why wasn't he upset. he had cared, she had seen it in his eyes, and she knew him well enough to know when the boy was lying or not. she wasn't exactly stupid. she almost wished he would fuss at her, tell her off so she would know that he was past it now, but she had no way of knowing it and she wasn't going to bring it up out of thin air.. that would be just... uncalled for, in so many ways.

they were walking silently down the sidewalk when he spoke up, starting his side of the conversation with an expected 'dude' this always made her giggle when guys.. not necessarily him.. started what they were going to say with 'dude' or 'kid' or something as random as that, she smiled as he began but listened as his voice rang in her ears, it was music. but then again, she was a little biased... damn those memories. Jasmine smiled and nodded, yes. i know, it is truly amazing, unlike anything i have ever experienced in my entire life. Jazz spoke like a vivd four year old she knew, her words not really making sense but to her, but of course he would understand, he was a four year old at heart. she shook her head in awe at the festival going on, it's unreal. she said temporarily out of her trance and looking back at him with a grin spread across her entertained features. Jasmine laughed at him, I don't think i have ever met your band Ben, but if they are anything like you i know you all are a handful, i hope you aren't too rambunctious she sounded like a mother but she didn't care, there was no need to get sent home for being rowdy when they had met up after such a long time (in her opinion at least). she smiled, sometimes he was just so insightful just like her.. at times.. but regardless, she loved that part of him... it was like, he couldn't wiat to see the world, and be famous, not only that but just be known.. and it didn't really matter what for.. sounded like him at least..

his next sentence kind of shocker her, she stayed silent for a moment, as she did so she felt his hand in hers and her eyes grew wide, what was he doing? but by the time she had thought that much he had pulled his hand away as if he regretted the decision, it hurt a little yeah, but he was probably just trying to make it easier for them both and that she understood. she nodded her head to answer him instead of just sitting there like she hadn't heard him, yeah... me.. she began, Jazz took a deep breath and began again, it's been pretty crazy you know? going here and doing that, the past three years have been pretty hectic, that's for sure. and yeah. we made it big. well.. sort of. but we are well known, and for that im grateful, but i can't decide Ben. she said as she looked at him but quickly turned away, scared that if shew was facing him she wouldn't be able to forve it thorugh her already tight lips, I can't decide whether it was worth it or not... you know.. leaving you behind and all? she said closing her eyes instead of having to be near him and hear his answer, he would reject any feeling at the moment, or.. that's what she was preparing herself for.. she shouldn't have said anything, she should have kept her mouth closed, but they had to talk about it sometime.. right? why not start now? if he didn't want to talk about it then he didn't have to, she wouldn't force him into this conversation, but it would be nice to go ahead and get it over with. the awkwardness but just go away after that, and then, only then could their relatoinship be back to the 'good old days' the way it had been before.. well she left. perfect, was the word she was thinking about using. but then again, their relationship was far from perfect, but it was close.

NOTES <3 jazz and nate
WORDS 1283
TAGGED BEN
CREDIT BY HEY BAYBAY !? AT CAUTION !

[benjamin raine nelkin]

TRUTH BE TOLD, BEN AVOIDED EVERYTHING he shouldn't. he avoided dealing with realities and truths. he avoided being serious and coming in tuned with his feelings. but he was too scared to. he was too scared and too confused to be able to live his life to be anything else. but he had always been the one who sacrificised his own happiness for someone elses. benjamin cared just way too much for other people. even if all he did was be an egotisical bastard about ninety-nine point nine percent of the time.

TAG jazzylove
OUTFIT minus the beer
WORDS

[/B] ---- NOTDONE
LYRICS waking ashland?
NOTES[/B]i'msorrythistookforever.[/size][/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote][/center]